A Senatorial Conversation: Part I

Author’s Note: The reliability of this source and the information they share cannot be validated, and it would be struck down as hearsay in a court of law. Names are abbreviated to protect individuals. Approach this piece with an objective, open mind.

A: So he…

R: Yeah, since I own a pretty well known business near one of his local offices I was able to meet with him. We were supposed to talk about an event that half the businesses in the area help put on and sponsor, but it went weird really fast.

A: Does he ever come to your place to eat?

R: Nah. From what I’ve heard, he doesn’t eat regular food anymore. He’s never been to my place, not even when I wasn’t there. [C] would have told me for sure.

A: What? Is he sick?

R: No I didn’t hear sick. I heard he chooses not to eat food like a normal person. He’s on some weird shit, man.

A: [M] told me something last month about a bow and arrow.

R: I haven’t heard that one. Lots of other shit though. And I saw his office. Pretty fucked up.

A: We were drinking when [M] told me so I don’t recall exactly. Apparently he shot an arrow at a guy on a motorcycle. I’ll text her quick.

R: He had a bow in his office, man. A pretty fancy one.

A: Well we have guns. Doesn’t mean we shoot people.

R: Yeah.

A few minutes pass while we eavesdrop on a couple arguing at a table on the other side of the restaurant.

R: Shit, man, anyway…

A: What kind of white ass person puts ranch on… Hey, [M] texted back.

R: About the bow and arrow?

A: Yeah. She says “What I heard was - He’s standing in his yard with a bow, had an arrow ready, and looked like he was about to shoot something. A few people driving by in cars saw him staring out at the road looking really pissed off. When this guy goes by on his bike, the Senator shot an arrow at him. The guy lived but he was hurt pretty bad.”

R: Shit, man.

A: [M] says “He had that miserable caged chicken out there too, in a cage like, the size for a parakeet.”

R: Ok I’ve heard about this chicken several times now. There’s gotta be something to that. I’ve heard from probably… eight people about this chicken in a tiny little cage [laughs]. Like that scene in the old Texas Chainsaw Massacre or whatever.

A: [laughs] It’s cruel as hell to the chicken, but you know there’s something funny about the weirdness of the whole thing. How the hell does he live like that without winding up in prison?

R: Shit, man, when I went in his office… what the fuck? What kind of business plays this fucking song while people are trying to eat?

A: Legend has it that if you play the part where Tom Petty and Bob Dylan sing together too close to your refrigerator, all the food inside it will spoil.

R: God damn these people. Don’t ask me to meet you here again.