The Epstein Client List: An Alternate Speculation
This is my first blog post. It’ll be a little rough because I’m a random nobody, but given the news of the week I have decided to start here, with an alternate idea about what’s happening right now.
Occam’s Razor states that the simplest explanation is often the best one when considering multiple possibilities. If you can’t find your car keys, they probably were not stolen by a squadron of miniature rat-people who live behind your refrigerator. Most likely, your keys did not vanish as a result of a covert space-time experiment being conducted by CERN. The most likely and simplest explanation is that you dropped or misplaced your car keys.
Since the Civil Rights Movement and Vietnam protests of the 1960s, Conservatives have proven continuously that they will lie, often egregiously, to achieve their political goals. Nixon’s lies about Watergate and Vietnam are the subject of stacks of books and articles. Reagan and his administration embraced dishonesty as a default position, from the war on drugs to AIDS to the Soviet Union to Iran, and on and on. Both Bush Sr. and Jr. went to war with Iraq on the premise that Hussein was a danger to the planet. The sensible among us saw that for what it was; militarized defense of the petroleum industry predicated on gross exaggerations about the military capabilities of Iraq. Donald Trump lies like he draws breath and tweets pitiful little snot-nosed insults at anyone who calls him out.
Let’s pause. If you are saying “and Clinton, and Democrats, and Obama-Biden” right now, nothing you see here will validate your moronic bullshit. If your neighbor robs the store down the road that doesn’t mean you get to rob it too and use “But my neighbor” as a defense. We’re talking about Conservatives today and I will get around to Democrats. Stop being an emotional fool. Moving on.
This week, the Trump Administration is allegedly suppressing the so-called “Epstein List”. The public response has been overwhelmingly negative, from Trump supporters and opponents alike. For the sake of cutting through the noise, back in 2005, the family of a 14 year old girl in Palm Beach, FL reported that she was molested at Epstein’s home. Handsy Jeff, as he was rumored to have been known in Florida’s pederast circles, was charged by the Palm Beach police with multiple counts of unlawful sex with a minor, but State Attorney Barry Krischer sent the case to a grand jury. Kirscher’s move was an unusual choice at the time, and Handsy Jeff was charged with a single count of soliciting prostitution in June of 2006.
The leniency of the sentence stirred up controversy and resulted in an FBI investigation. In June 2008, Epstein plead guilty to soliciting prostitution and soliciting prostitution from a minor, avoiding federal charges and serving his short sentence in a work release program. He was released in July 2009.
Over the next decade numerous women came forward accusing Slippery Jeff, as he was rumored to have been known among the pederasts of America after his 2009 release, and demanding he and his creepy French assistant Ghislaine Maxwell receive the appropriate federal charges for being sex traffickers and abusers of minors. Most of us know what happened at this point. Jeff is arrested, charged, sentence, then dies in his cell on August 10th 2019 of causes disputed by social media. By June 2022, Maxwell is charged and sentenced as well.
For the purpose of this exercise, let’s focus on the facts as observed.
Epstein and Maxwell went to prison for sexually trafficking minors.
Conservatives will lie to meet their goals, no matter how big the lie.
The simplest explanation is often the best.
With these facts noted, let’s attempt to answer a few questions.
1) Where is the Epstein Client List?
Drum roll… there isn’t one. In their continuous search for boogeymen to scare the voting public, rile up the base, and promise revenge against their imagined enemies, Conservatives fabricated the idea of a “client list” then attempted to tie this work of fiction to Democrats to keep the base energized and win the next election. That’s it. No list.
2) If there’s no list, why did Epstein die?
There are two options here. Either Dangly Jeff, as he was rumored to have been known by prison pederasts after his death, truly killed himself, or prison guards who are not known for their fondness for pedophiles arranged his death. The latter readily explains the video edits we all heard about earlier this week.
3) If there’s no list, why is Maxwell still in prison?
Because she and Epstein legitimately trafficked and abused minors.
4) What does all this even mean? What are you talking about? Are you stupid?
It means simply this. Conservatives saw an opportunity to use a high profile case that was already getting a ton of media attention to build a fake boogeyman, claim Democrats were in of it, and win through fear and anger as usual. Nothing more. The time for them to publish and act on the evidence or admit that it was a lie the whole time is here, right now, and Trump is either a liar or a client. There is no third option, no matter what the shitposters of X claim about Mossad or global conspiracies.
It’s possible that our government has been infiltrated by a shadowy deep state, a cabal of drooling perverts, selling children to wealthy clients who travel the world in private jets to rape them and suck fluid from their glands, and it’s possible that those people took your keys too, but it’s a much simpler explanation that the whole thing was exaggerated to scare you and win your vote, and your keys are in the driveway next to your car.